Un unfair choice

For a while now, I have been struggling to make two things work - my religious beliefs and my social equality beliefs.

When we got married last year, I surprised myself and Michael with my strong desire to get married in the Eastern Orthodox Church. We had an American, non-religious ceremony, but I felt that a true marriage ceremony for me could not exist outside the church. Despite all complications, and thanks to wonderful people like padre Radomir, Ioana & Bogdan, and thanks to Michael's willingness to stand for many hours in a hot little church, confess his sins and endure other strange traditions for an American Protestant, we got married on July 20th, 2008. Seeing that the religious ceremony was so important to me, I tried to follow up with my religious practice and beliefs, by going to church and reading books. After my miscarriage, I talked to a priest here, in an attempt to understand things that I still don't understand. I went to church, confession, and even got communion before and during Easter. And still, through all this time, something keeps bothering me: a gay person, regardless of the strength of their faith, would never be able to do all this, unless they renounced their hope for a loving relationship. I truly believe that sexual orientation is not a choice. Why would anybody choose to take such a hard road, paved with internal struggles and hatred from others? It's not a lifestyle, it's wired in us. So unless you're part of some progressive Christian faiths, you're theoretically faced with a choice: if you want to be in a relationship, you can't participate in the life of the church; and if you want to be part of the church, you can't be part of an intimate relationship with the person you love. It's a choice that heterosexuals don't have to make.

I still don't know how to make sense of all this. I don't know what's right or wrong. All I know is that my heart goes to all those men and women who are torn between their faith and their love life. It must be tough.

How it feels

You know how it feels? It feels like somebody took your soul, your being with all its dreams and plans, and just crumpled it in their hands, as hard as they could. Crumple, crumple, crumple. And then you spend months trying to smooth it over again. You flatten it over and over again, hoping it will one day be as smooth as it was before.

Parca nimic nu mai e la fel

Made by Florin, Iunie 2007.

Little and Bog Things

Michael is sick and has a sexy voice.

I am going on the job market! I am going wild and applying everywhere I think there's a 5% chance we would live. That includes Hong Kong.

I've had bad luck with movies at the theater (500 Days of Summer, Away We Go), but good luck with DVDs at home (Something Like Happiness, Head-On, and even Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

School is starting on MONDAY! School should always start on September 15.

I am reading Anna Karenina in English. I wish I had it in Romanian.

I need a new musical obsession. I've been trying Andrew Bird, but he gets too whiny after a while, Regina Spektor, but she gets too peppy. Next try: Iggy Pop's French album inspired by a Michel Houellebecq book. If you have other suggestions, let me know.

A month ago I was sleeping under a mosquito net in a cottage by the Caribbean shore. In the morning I would make breakfast with fresh mangos and bananas that Michael picked from the trees around the cottage. After breakfast we'd lie by the pool or on a deserted beach and at dinner we'd eat fresh fish that was caught that same day. It still seems unreal.

I am tired of people saying "sorry" all the time, when it's not needed. Like walking by you in the sales section at Anthropology, or opening the restroom door from inside when you're trying to get in, or when they walk by you on the escalator.

All the shades of grey

in a heartbreaking look at abortions in this month's Esquire. Things are not black and white, they never are. Even antiabortionists sometimes need an abortion, when their baby has a catastrophic condition, like no liver or no brain, when delivering such a baby is a huge risk to the woman's life. This story is written from the perspective of a doctor who is overwhelmed by all the sorrow he sees every day.

If you start reading this article, read it through the end.

Ariana

(poza facuta de Cata)

Cel mai frumos lucru, singurul care imi da putere, e dragostea dintre oameni, atunci cand intelegem si plangem pentru altcineva si stim ca altcineva ne intelege si plange pentru noi. Cand vorbesc cu Cata si simt ca e suta la suta langa mine si ar face orice sa fiu bine. Cand am vorbit in mai cu Ariana la telefon de la Pontoane si mi-a spus ca ii pare asa de rau ca am pierdut sarcina si am stiut ca a simtit asa de multe pentru mine si i-am fost asa recunoscatoare. Apoi mai e bucuria mea pentru Ariana weekendul asta pentru ca s-a maritat cu Sorin, si stiu ca o sa fie fericiti impreuna.

Zilele astea m-am gandit mult la Ariana, efectiv cea mai frumoasa fata pe care o cunosc, inconjurata de lucruri frumoase. Mi-am amintit cum hainele ei miros intotdeauna minunat si toate sunt transformate de ea miraculos in haine deosebite. Mi-am amintit cand eram la Valiug cu ea si striga ca din gura de sarpe, si la Sighisoara in aceeasi vara cand vibra ca o baterie in gara. Ariana simte tot, cu fiecare fibra, si mi-e asa de dor de ea ca nu pot spune. Ma bucur ca Michael o cunoaste si intelege de ce e asa de aproape de mine, desi ne vedem din ani in pasti.

Ma linistesc cand ma gandesc ca pot merge la Arad oricand, si chiar daca nu o sa mai fie niciodata la fel ca in verile alea toride cand stateam cu Ariana la Migdal sau Cina, totusi o sa fie de fiecare data bine. Nu se poate altfel.